Strength in Vulnerability -- an exploration at the Men's Gathering at Shalom Mountain
Submitted by Tom Goddard on September 18, 2006 - 1:10pm.
What is the big deal about the Men's Gathering at Shalom Mountain?
Where do I begin?
I suppose I begin with last year. 2005 was my first Shalom Mountain Men's Retreat, and it was amazing. I was expecting a "gathering" of men -- just some guys getting together in a lovely location in the Catskills.
Wrong.
I'm not sure I've ever been faced with more frequent, profound processes over a 3-day period in my life. And, to share them with my two sons at a particularly critical important time in our lives in this community of men was incredibly precious. Our relationship was transformed, for the better, for ever.
So, this year, I showed up at my favorite retreat center a day early, having co-facilitated a workshop at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY, on the topic of the integration of science and spirit. A bit of quiet time in a nearly-empty Shalom Mountain Retreat Center helped with the transition from Science and Spirit to this year's theme of the Men's Gathering: Strength in Vulnerability.
More than one among the 65 gathered men noted that this combination of strength and vulnerability is counter-intuitive ("like looking for fire in a water bucket", one said). Yet, throughout the weekend, process after process, conversation after conversation, we got to discover that much of what is available to men in the domain of strength is dependent upon our choice to be vulnerable.
An objective observer might have concluded that to be vulnerable as a man is simple -- (1) if you harbor any secrets from your brothers, tell those secrets to all of your brothers; (2) if you want to find intimacy with your fellow man, do not fear to hold him as a brother might hold him; (3) when you're holding your brother, stay.
Of course, there was much more involved in the design of the processes. In one process, we practiced parsing out our stories into facts, feelings, judgments, and aspirations. In the process, I uncovered judgments about myself and others to which I had been blind, judgments that had been hiding in the weeds of my well-told tales.
In another, we took a risk by publicly telling aspects of our truths we would be more likely to hide in a less accepting environment. I found this to be a terrific venue to speak openly to the community and to my sons about my fallibility as a parent.
Saturday morning's process involved what I would call brotherly touch -- an exploration of non-sexualized physical contact among loving men. This is such a rare thing in our culture that occasions for such stand out as precious gifts. This was no exception.
I took a pass on the sweat lodge to prepare for the Saturday evening process I was to lead -- a modified "Big Mind" process. Big Mind is a blend of voice dialogue with Buddhist psychology, and invites participants to explore vastly compassionate ways of being that are always immediately available to each of us but are not always remembered. In the midst of leading the process, I was deeply moved by both the power of men and the tenderness of masculine compassion. I was awash in the strength in vulnerability of these assembled brothers.
What was notable about this Gathering was the swelling ranks of young men. To the five who were initiated into the community last year were added an additional five initiates, young men whose commitment to love and to growth make them wise beyond their years. The ceremony, which highlighted the promise of these teens, had me in tears.
Taken together, these processes, and all the conversations in the spaces between the processes, had the effect of taking some of the burden out of living my life vulnerably and openly. This laboratory known as the Shalom Men's Gathering provide a blend of "aha's" and practice in openness that help to remove some of the perceived danger of vulnerability. In the process, I found it exhilarating and freeing -- again – to have the opportunity to engage my fellow men (and especially my sons) in a few days of exploration, acceptance, and sheer celebration of what it is to be a man in the world.
The Gathering has a permanent place on my annual calendar.
Where do I begin?
I suppose I begin with last year. 2005 was my first Shalom Mountain Men's Retreat, and it was amazing. I was expecting a "gathering" of men -- just some guys getting together in a lovely location in the Catskills.
Wrong.
I'm not sure I've ever been faced with more frequent, profound processes over a 3-day period in my life. And, to share them with my two sons at a particularly critical important time in our lives in this community of men was incredibly precious. Our relationship was transformed, for the better, for ever.
So, this year, I showed up at my favorite retreat center a day early, having co-facilitated a workshop at the Omega Institute in Rhinebeck, NY, on the topic of the integration of science and spirit. A bit of quiet time in a nearly-empty Shalom Mountain Retreat Center helped with the transition from Science and Spirit to this year's theme of the Men's Gathering: Strength in Vulnerability.
More than one among the 65 gathered men noted that this combination of strength and vulnerability is counter-intuitive ("like looking for fire in a water bucket", one said). Yet, throughout the weekend, process after process, conversation after conversation, we got to discover that much of what is available to men in the domain of strength is dependent upon our choice to be vulnerable.
An objective observer might have concluded that to be vulnerable as a man is simple -- (1) if you harbor any secrets from your brothers, tell those secrets to all of your brothers; (2) if you want to find intimacy with your fellow man, do not fear to hold him as a brother might hold him; (3) when you're holding your brother, stay.
Of course, there was much more involved in the design of the processes. In one process, we practiced parsing out our stories into facts, feelings, judgments, and aspirations. In the process, I uncovered judgments about myself and others to which I had been blind, judgments that had been hiding in the weeds of my well-told tales.
In another, we took a risk by publicly telling aspects of our truths we would be more likely to hide in a less accepting environment. I found this to be a terrific venue to speak openly to the community and to my sons about my fallibility as a parent.
Saturday morning's process involved what I would call brotherly touch -- an exploration of non-sexualized physical contact among loving men. This is such a rare thing in our culture that occasions for such stand out as precious gifts. This was no exception.
I took a pass on the sweat lodge to prepare for the Saturday evening process I was to lead -- a modified "Big Mind" process. Big Mind is a blend of voice dialogue with Buddhist psychology, and invites participants to explore vastly compassionate ways of being that are always immediately available to each of us but are not always remembered. In the midst of leading the process, I was deeply moved by both the power of men and the tenderness of masculine compassion. I was awash in the strength in vulnerability of these assembled brothers.
What was notable about this Gathering was the swelling ranks of young men. To the five who were initiated into the community last year were added an additional five initiates, young men whose commitment to love and to growth make them wise beyond their years. The ceremony, which highlighted the promise of these teens, had me in tears.
Taken together, these processes, and all the conversations in the spaces between the processes, had the effect of taking some of the burden out of living my life vulnerably and openly. This laboratory known as the Shalom Men's Gathering provide a blend of "aha's" and practice in openness that help to remove some of the perceived danger of vulnerability. In the process, I found it exhilarating and freeing -- again – to have the opportunity to engage my fellow men (and especially my sons) in a few days of exploration, acceptance, and sheer celebration of what it is to be a man in the world.
The Gathering has a permanent place on my annual calendar.
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